I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.