[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
You Might Also Like
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot