My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
this FaceApp is creepy af
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.