Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.