ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“you recording!?”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS