My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
You Might Also Like
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m not stressed
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*