If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Passwords are more important than ever.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.