I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
#Caturday
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.