“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.