Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what