Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”