Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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Did my cat write this
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My dad teaching me to drive
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.