Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.