pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs