Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
This is no longer winter this is harassment
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.