EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.