Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
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Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]