M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE