My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
They’re called werewolves.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.