Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
You Might Also Like
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.