bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
forgive me baja for i have blast
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.