Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You had me at “define legal”.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.