Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I hope they boil the right one.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.