I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Social distancing in Australia:
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.