That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.