I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You Might Also Like
why isn’t thunder called soundning
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do