[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
🤣😂🤣
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.