“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Personal question. #JustSaying
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Are we there yet?…
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today