I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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United Steaks of America
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Oh no
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”