My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Me recordaron éste meme
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer