Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…