good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose