my nickname in college
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9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Noah was an idiot.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it