I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?