I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire