6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
The human personality is made of five key elements
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.