why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
finally found a reasonable question
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.