I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
😲 WTF? 😆
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.