Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Ion see the issue
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical