I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
#growingpains
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.