If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Um … Hot Wings please
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back