Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
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If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
$3 #books
[canadians at you, canadianly]
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.