*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
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why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.