🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
is this a warning or an offer?
SF is the wild wild west man