If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.