“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots