Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well