i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”