*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time