Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If only.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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